Sex Ed with the Seraphim
by Alley Cat Sunflower
Summary: In which Lailah, Edna, Dezel, and Mikleo attempt to explain the seraphic equivalent of the birds and the bees to a royally confused Sorey and a generally disappointed Rose, of whose suggestive remarks Dezel most definitely does not approve. Loosely inspired by the sub skit "Rose's Background (Dezel)". One part humor, two parts headcanon. I do not own Tales of Zestiria!


_Okay, so Zaveid has absolutely nothing to do with this story (or very little since he's not in the party), but I couldn't resist including his ridiculously suggestive status image to sum up the tone. Anyway, this is one of those things I ended up losing track of, but I'm never going to be any happier with this than I am now. Have some more subtle-ish Dezel/Rose, as well as my headcanon for seraphic reproduction.  
_

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"So," says Rose matter-of-factly, swallowing her last bite of dinner and sitting back, "if seraphim don't have parents, then… how do seraphim exist?" She expects the scandalized stares, though she has to admit the blushes were a surprise—but what should she have said? She's been wondering all day, phrasing and rephrasing the question in her head, and that's the best way she can think of to ask it.

When Lailah had first intimated that none of the others had parents either, Rose's initial reaction had been that she was not the only orphan after all; but now that she's had some time to think about the implications, she's more curious than she's ever been about anything in her life. After all, every living thing has at least one parent, in one sense or another. Right?

Sorey, predictably, is the first to speak. "You know, nobody ever told me, either," he says, glancing at a highly colored Mikleo with some confusion: Rose giggles as he closes his eyes and shakes his head, agitated. "Is it related to an oath or something? Like seraphim aren't allowed to talk to humans about it?" asks Sorey after a brief pause, glancing around the others.

Lailah shakes her head slowly. "N-not really," she begins apprehensively, touching her fingers together, her eyes downcast. "Mostly, it's just… difficult for humans to understand, that's all. But if you insist…" She trails off, evidently trying to straighten out her thoughts, and Rose smiles. It's kind of fun to watch a seraph squirm when they're supposed to be so sacred.

"I can't believe you're trying to explain this," mutters Dezel, running his fingers along the brim of his hat; unless Rose is much mistaken, he's a little redder than usual himself. "Why don't we just leave them in the dark? It's not like they need to know."

Lailah shakes her head and clears her throat, apparently having reached her conclusion, and Sorey sits forward attentively. "As you know, seraphim are by their very natures susceptible to the effects of thoughts as well as actions," she explains, her voice a little faster and higher in pitch than usual; she's clearly nervous for some reason. "Therefore…"

"Humans call it immaculate conception," finishes Edna, in her traditionally emotionless voice. Perhaps she's the best girl for the job. "No fuss, no muss. Just a few powerful thoughts in the right direction, and presto. A seraph is born." She opens her umbrella with a smile; Mikleo yelps as a rod scrapes his cheek, and Dezel makes an exasperated noise in the back of his throat as his hat is almost dislodged.

But Rose only blinks; is it really that simple? "But that means seraphim can still technically be parents," she tries, frowning. "Doesn't it?" Not to mention, she adds privately to herself, this immaculate conception business really doesn't sound like any fun. The fuss and muss is what makes it good, in her humble opinion. Though, come to think of it, they didn't say seraphim weren't _capable_ of…

"Not in a human sense," replies Mikleo, looking up at her with an obvious effort, and makes a valiant attempt to meet her eyes. "Now can we _please_ stop talking about this?" he asks desperately, but the gleam in Edna's eyes indicates _no_ even before her mouth does.

"What's the matter, Squickleo?" she taunts, grinning, and twirls her umbrella so that her normin plushie bonks him on the head: he grits his teeth, plainly annoyed. "Nobody said you have to _do_ it."

"So then," says Sorey hastily as Mikleo opens his mouth furiously to retort, "can a single seraph create a child all by themselves?" Rose scrutinizes the seraphim sitting across from them, wondering which of them will be the one to reply: Mikleo is glaring at the serene Edna, and Dezel seems in no hurry to enter the discussion.

And so the explanation falls to Lailah once more. "In theory, yes," she responds hesitantly. "In practice, it's very difficult for a seraph to give up so much of their life force without enduring great pain, or perhaps even dying. Nor can they create a seraph whose gender or element differs from their own; the newborn thus suffers from all the same weaknesses as its creator."

"So it's better if the burden is shared by two or more seraphim," smiles Edna in an unmistakably superior way. Rose doesn't quite understand her smugness until she adds, "You humans have such limited capabilities. Always one man and one woman, always the same way… doesn't your species get bored?"

But Rose grins reminiscently; Dezel gives a barely audible noise that sounds suspiciously like a groan, pulling his hat lower over his blind eyes. "Never," she laughs, much to Edna's clear confusion—poor girl. "But I wouldn't expect a seraph like you to understand. It's kind of a human thing."

Even as the last words leave her mouth, Rose isn't sure what this sound is or even where it's coming from until she notices that Dezel is… chuckling. "Dezel?" prompts Lailah, tilting her head. "Is something funny?" she adds more crossly, and at the tone of her voice, he can no longer suppress his laughter. Everyone exchanges puzzled glances; they've only ever heard him laugh once.

"N-no," he chortles eventually, straightening his hat and forcing his mouth back to its usual frown—though it still tugs up automatically at the corner. "Other than the fact that it's _not_ a human thing. You should know Zaveid made sure of that."

Riiiight, Zaveid. How could Rose have forgotten a seraph like him? "Awww," she whines, scowling, and crosses her arms. "You mean you guys don't accidentally create a seraph when you're just looking for a good time?" she asks, and Dezel nods once with a smirk in her direction, though she had intended it to be a rhetorical question. "That's _totally_ not fair!"

Lailah giggles. "Being a seraph has its advantages," she agrees coyly, and Rose wonders (not for the first time) exactly how much she knows about this kind of thing. "Though there are some downsides, too," she adds, more thoughtfully, and raises a hand to her chin delicately. "For instance, all humans have common ground, whether they choose to acknowledge it or not. Seraphim… well, we don't even have _that_."

"What do you mean?" asks Rose, frowning.

"You've _seen_ how different we all are," Dezel reminds her impatiently. "Humanoid seraphim are the most common, but you've seen some resembling cats and dogs too. And even I… well, you don't see many humans with teeth like mine," he adds, grinning unnervingly by way of demonstration.

"Not to mention our separate elemental affinities and unique abilities," chimes in Mikleo, evidently relieved that the subject has shifted closer to society. "There's not much of a unifying culture among seraphim, from what I can tell. Elysia is… kind of an exception."

"It's customary for seraphim to raise themselves, with only the help of their natural element," says Edna, folding her umbrella; Dezel scoots away from her with a growled complaint as she brushes his hat again. "Most older seraphim don't take much of an interest in the younger generations until they're at least mature enough to master their powers. With a few exceptions," she adds, glancing at Dezel. "Until then, we're on our own. Survival of the fittest."

She pauses to take an imperious sip of water before continuing, "Luckleo and Sorey here needed an entire village to help them grow. Too bad it didn't work for _you_ ," she adds mischievously, poking Mikleo's foot under the table with her umbrella: he cries out and furiously starts pointing out her hypocrisy, given that the girl is a few inches shy of five feet—but Sorey talks over him.

"But… you have a brother," he protests, scratching his head in apparent bewilderment and eyeing Edna confusedly. "Does that mean you were both created by the same seraphim, or something?"

"Probably," says Edna evasively, shrugging. "There's no way to know for sure, but our energies are similar enough that it's plausible." She speaks with a certain amount of pride in her voice, but there's a note of warning there too: _end of discussion_. That's just as well; there's something Rose has been wondering about for half the conversation now…

"So," she says tentatively, "can we… maybe… get back to sex for a minute?" Everyone stares at her, of course, and some even gasp; most of them seem as shocked as they are scandalized. Rose scowls at their displeasure; this group is so prude! Would it kill them to open up a little? "I'm just curious about something," she explains hastily. "It shouldn't take long to answer. So, say a human and a seraph were to have—"

Dezel interrupts her by choking on something; under his bangs, she catches a glimpse of wide eyes. The group simply watches him cough for awhile, waiting for him to say something, but he cannot catch his breath; however, just as Rose is about to continue, he speaks. "What do you want to know about _that_ for?" he splutters hoarsely, his voice giving out in the end.

Rose can't help but grin at her success, having disarmed him more thoroughly than ever before. Really, he needs to back off a bit. As flattering as it is for him to want to protect her, it admittedly gets a little weird sometimes. "Just curious," she tells him sweetly, turning an even gaze on her other companions. "So, anyway, I was wondering: are seraphim and humans… compatible?"

There's a long silence; no one seems to want to break it. Dezel takes a long sip of water and, after a brief pause, stands up and turns his back to Rose. Mikleo has buried his head in his hands at this point; Lailah is blushing furiously, her hand covering her mouth; Sorey merely looks confused… and Edna?

"Only one way to find out," she smiles, glancing between Dezel and Rose, and both of them turn their heads slowly to look at her. Rose bites her lip: not that it's altogether unpleasant to think about doing him, given that he's got an undeniably attractive physique under all those layers (and no, she hadn't considered that before now!), but she'd intended her question to be about _reproduction_ , as per the conversation, so she wasn't about to—

"Uh, Edna?" begins Sorey awkwardly, cutting into Rose's musings, and even he seems to understand the implications. "Maybe we shouldn't, you know, force them into an experiment like that."

"Who's forcing them?" returns Edna innocently, tilting her head at his words and shouldering her umbrella. "I'm just saying, we don't know any other humans who can see us, much less any other cross-species couples. If Rose wants to know something like that, she'll probably have to find out herself."

"We're _not_ a couple," says Dezel immediately through grit teeth, turning to face Edna with clenched fists; Rose is surprised, and perhaps a little disappointed at the vehemence of his response. Well, if he's so convinced it's not going to happen, it's his loss. "Humans belong with humans. Seraphim belong with seraphim. One of each is impossible."

"But I think Rose's question involves… _reproductive_ compatibility, not romance," Lailah reminds him softly, still blushing; Rose nods fervently, and Dezel gives a growl more suited to a hellion than a seraph. "I-it may be possible if thoughts and actions combine just so," she says haltingly. "But it's not likely. I've never even heard of a child born of such a union."

See, was that so hard? All this flushing and stammering took ten times as long as actually answering the question. "Thanks, Lailah," Rose tells her sincerely, standing up and stretching. "I think I'm done with the big questions," she adds, and her companions let out a collective sigh of relief. But then Rose turns her gaze towards Dezel's back pointedly and continues, "Now, I'm gonna go for a walk and see if I can find me a seraph to sleep with. Risk-free fun, here I come!"

Sure enough, Dezel whirls around to stare at her, then catches everyone else watching him as well: his blush darkens a shade or two. "Do whatever you want," he snaps eventually, and vanishes into his vessel without another word: Sorey seems startled at first, but soon smiles tentatively—acknowledging how absolutely ridiculous a seraphic temper tantrum can be.

"For the record, I was joking," clarifies Rose with a sigh, rubbing the back of her head awkwardly. "Sorry." And even if she wasn't, she adds privately, that comment should have made him _happy_. After all, wasn't he a seraph, and therefore as worthy a candidate as any she could hope for? But if he was determined to be insulted, so be it.

"Doesn't sound like _Dezel_ was," retorts Edna, getting carefully to her feet, and opens her umbrella again: the others take that as their cue that dinner is officially over, and follow suit. "Looks like somebody's jealous."

"Leave me _alone_ ," growls his voice from within Sorey, and Rose smiles. If there's one thing this conversation has ensured, it's that she'll never leave Dezel alone again.


End file.
